I cannot find my penis.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm always down for nudity.
PANTIES FOUND
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