wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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