Moan for me like Helen Keller
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
