I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
