True but thats because hes a fetus.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
