I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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