I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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