About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
