he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
