paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Randomize
