Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
