my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
