cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
