I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
