its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
