i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
