And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize