the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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