My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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