you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
