Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
