There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
