He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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