Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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