I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
