So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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