I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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