see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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