dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
