someone threw a dead crab at me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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