i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
