i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
