i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
