Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
