Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
being pregnant is like rehab
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
