I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
