We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
