chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
