Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
