I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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