Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
