I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
