i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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