chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
being pregnant is like rehab
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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