I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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