everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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