i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You're like the curious george of whores
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
