Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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