You're a womanizer and a bitch.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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