My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
