My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
