Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
