I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
