Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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