your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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