I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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