nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
is it fun? or sober?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
