So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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